The 5 love languages: The secret to love that lasts

"The 5 love languages: The secret to love that lasts" is an amazing book written on the topic of love between spouse relationship. I highly recommend this book and would have my sons read it to understand how to find "the love" in their lives. I personally benefited a lot from this book as the love languages of my husband and mine was different. So, we worked on how to pay more attention to learn the other's love language and it helped our relationship a lot.

This great book is written by the subject expert Gary Chapman. In view of Gary, people speak different languages of love according to their nature. It is essential to understand the primary language of the person to develop love with them. The temporary feelings of first love fade quickly but the real love is built and nourished by the acts of love and care. No better act of love can be done than to make efforts to understand and speak your spouse's love language.

Before delving deeper into the languages Gary proposed, let us have a look over the 5 big ideas he presented in his book:

• We believe that the real love will last forever but when the feelings of new love fade and we return to the reality, we are dumbstruck at the transience of the love emotion. Therefore, it is preferable to build and nourish the love with the existing partner than trying to find new love. If you don't spend the time to understand and care for it, the new love will fade and you would be disappointed again.

• Some couples believe that after this period of high love ends, they are compelled to live a life of misery or find another partner to fulfill their needs. Most of the people end up replacing the old love and keep on repeating this pattern.

• The author presents a third alternative to this problem and asks to acknowledge the temporary in-love experience and start pursuing the real love for your spouse.

• Gary claims that by understanding each other's primary love language and working on the communications, it can re-ignite the love for the couple and create long-lasting love relationship.

• One term Gary used to denote the dynamics of in-love state impressed me a lot. "The disequilibrium of the in-love experience," which means that neither two people fall in love on the same day nor do they unlove each other on the same day. If we don't work on our love languages and speak the language of our spouse, we would gradually lose the essence of love.

Now, we'll take a look at the 5 languages and their importance in the life of couples. Gary thinks that it is important to fill the emotional reservoir of love to carry on with a relationship same as it is important to refuel your vehicle after it runs out of fuel. When you are fully secure from the love of your partner, the whole world seems conquerable and you are ready to attain your maximum potential by becoming your ideal self.

Here are the 5 love languages (some people have one primary and some have a couple of them, all are equally important but we can rank them from most important to least important according to our preference):

1. Affirmation words
   Words of affirmation include encouraging and appreciative words for your spouse. Your words of appreciation are a powerful tool for expressing your love to your partner. We should be careful about knowing what is important to our spouse, only then we can encourage and appreciate them in the right way. Our tone of speaking should be compliant with our words.

2. Quality time with spouse
   No one can deny the importance of quality time with the spouse. If the primary love language of your partner is quality time then spending more time with him doing mutual activities of fun can be beneficial. Quality conversation can be attained by improving our listening skills. We must not give advice on an issue unless it is requested. A quality activity should meet at least three conditions:

   - At least one of you wants to do it
   - The other one is willing to accompany
   - Both spouses know the purpose of the activity, which is to express love

3. Exchanging gifts
   A gift is a powerful way of indicating your love for your spouse and acknowledging their importance. One should exchange gifts on special occasions like birthday, anniversary and any festival. But exchange of gifts should not be limited to events only. You can give small gifts now and then on simple achievements of your spouse to encourage them.
   

4. Acts of service
   Acts of service include small acts that you know your spouse will like. Taking him/her for a morning walk, bringing grocery on time, take care of the needs of spouse all counts as acts of service. Love is a choice and should not be forced. We should try to love our spouse in the way he/she likes to make our love more effective. Instead of criticizing your spouse, communicating in an empathetic way would help more in solving problems.
   

5. Physical touch
   Some people make the mistake that the touch that brings pleasure to them will bring pleasure to their spouse too. They consider physical touch their primary language. Mostly, sexual issues in marital life have little to do with techniques but more to do with meeting emotional needs of the spouse. If you cannot satisfy your spouse emotionally you cannot make him/her happy by mere physical intimacy.

There are three ways suggested by Chapman to discover one's primary love language:

- What act of your partner hurts you the most? The opposite of that may be your love language and vice versa.
- What do you request to your partner mostly? That thing would more likely make you feel more love.
- Your way of expressing love to your partner can also be an indication of the way you will feel loved yourself.

Love is not the solution to everything but in love, we can seek answers to the questions and solutions to the problems. It is the foundation for us to be centered and happy.